Don’t pressure me..

Don’t pressure me . I cannot handle it

Don’t pressure me

Ignore what I say

Are you like all the rest? I think in my head.

Don’t pressure me

To come into my bed and cause more pain than good memories.

Don’t pressure me

You say your not like the rest

But your acting the same

It’s easier for me to walk away

I cannot handle it .

Don’t pressure me

I’m waiting in god .

I want to be friends first

Please listen to my pleas.

Sometimes I fear

Your all the same

Just see my fit body

Nothing more

My words fall on deaf ears ..

No one can take advantage anymore

My boundaries are not for pushing

I want someone to spend time with me

Not bulshit me to get a lay..

I’m so tired of this now

It’s easier to walk away

Please don’t pressure me.

S.mansi

Ghost fish tale

The ghost fish tale

The dating game, means that you can run the risk of being played. Played by whom? The men who quickly bathe with you, pour alcohol into you.. say I love you. Take you not to Paris, Rome or Venice but Tenby. The arrogant rude types who tell you that you should decorate your flat, else they wouldn’t move in. The ones who you fall for in a heavy toxic spell of alcohol and sex.

The ones who are really into you – then just ghost you after fishing for you on plenty of fish. The ones who wreck your flat and be mean to your kitty lil Gracie.

The dating game is dangerous , their are sharks encircling all around you. They think your pretty and stupid.

I had one tell me I was stupid . I made up my ex sexually assaulted me tried to gaslight me. How does that make me feel? Questioning my own valid experience.

Rudeness and arrogance a sense of entitlement to your body. No does not mean no to them they continue..

My lack of trust in men continued my voice remains unheard as sharks encircle me . All I want is a nice fish 🎣 to meet not these blood tasting sharks.

Having love bites on your neck during pageant weekend . Feeling embarrassed. Talking to your colleagues going sick off work as your hungover and have a fibro flare up and your flat is a mess. Feeling low once again. Being lied to. These ghost fish do exist .. the dating game is full

Of them. The world of online dating is not for the faint hearted .

S.Mansi

The ptsd double edged sword …

I seemed ok to the outside world. I carried on with my inner pain. No counselling, no therapy just head back into the world of work.

Now I sit here, dissociating with ptsd and feeling overwhelmed and numb. All I went through. Then I moved and it happened again. The ghosting. The being used and feeling empty.

I wash to get those stains away, I feel dirty and I want to get rid of it. The feeling inside but I can’t. I want to feel back to normal again. But I can’t.

The double edged sword of ptsd. Those without it, they will never understand it. Those survivors with it, we interlink and have a connection.

To feel so numb to feel so low. I feel the black sheep of the family the fuck up. I feel so overwhelmed. The sound of the busy motorway behind my flat does nothing to abate me. Why I prefer night driving. Less people .. more solace.

But I write for the double edged sword of ptsd and the pain that’s inside of me.

Second best …

The girl who was always second best.. work was always first. Her dad he worked hard and long hours, even working down his office. So often ignored. Second best to someone else’s kids , even being a stepmum to them and looking after them. I’m so tired of being 2nd best. Second always to work .. workaholics they never switch off and take time out. I want someone to take time out for me and love me like I deserve.

No your value and worth..

Misunderstood

I’m tired of being misunderstood of those people trying to dim out my light and make me lose all that I had before. I feel so misunderstood. There is only one who understands he ignites my soul on fire. My cats to they follow me knowing mummy is not herself. I’m so tired of being misunderstood tired of being attacked. I just want to shut myself away ..

Living with auto immune disease …

I’m off today it’s a long story … but I feel unwell and sick . My body aches the doctors think it’s fibromalgyia but maybe it’s my Candida. I’ve had it most my life. Strict and boring diets to keep me healthy. I rebelled like you do. Now I pay the price age 34 and have decided to be healthy. When you feel constant sick, dizzy, tired and your brain can’t concentrate and your struggling you know it’s time for s change. Living with a long term auto immune disease is difficult but I have no choice. Each day I try my best, some days I just need to rest.

I wanted to write about this as I have been feeling so weak and my body and mind have been struggling. I admit I have not taken care of myself . I’ve sorted a whole back out for the food bank of gluten products I had and I shouldn’t of. I just guess I was tired of being different and I wanted to be like everyone else. Eating pizza and drinking alcohol. But my body and cells can’t do it. I’m weak although I seem strong. My body is not as strong as it should be . I have to take care of it first or else I can’t survive in this world.

Interviews

Having so many interviews you become numb to them. Answering questions and thinking about your skills. My dream though is to write and communicate through word. But until that day I have to continue working for I am all alone I have to pay my bills somehow. So as I sit here re reading the job description I think it of the means to an end but not my greater goal …